I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
