A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
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