i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
