there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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