the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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