I just pynch a tree in the face
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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