She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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