i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
