If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
