I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
