You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
