two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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