I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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