you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
