You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
