i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize