he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
