So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
