Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Randomize
