first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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