I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
