We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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