Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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