I seem to have left my pride at pride
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
