Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
organizing the empties. That sober.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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