I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Randomize
