please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
