I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
