i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
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