I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
