now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
