I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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