i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
