I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
