The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
