You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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