apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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