Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
