Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize