you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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