There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
