I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Even my vagina gasped.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
