your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
