i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
