i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
