You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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