I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
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