I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
