Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
