yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
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