I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
