I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
