his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
