I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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