Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
