we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
