best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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