FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
BRING THE BAGELS
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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