First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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