What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
