He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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