I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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