I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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