i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize