so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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