I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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