New low: just hacked my moms facebook
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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