I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
