Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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